i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
