You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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