i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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