I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
