I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
