i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
