I looked at my own cervix.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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