mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
