I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
