we have pet lesbian snakes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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