Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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