My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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