i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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