That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
