They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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