So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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