I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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