GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
