he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
