Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
