I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We left an ass print on the piano.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
