My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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