all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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