I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
