If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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