I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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