Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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