Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
