I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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