I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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