she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
