This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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