drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
