I have demons in me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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