ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
