I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
