So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
