When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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