im six kinds of drunk right now
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
