Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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