yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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