Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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