I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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