Im at strip club and am horny
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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