hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
