So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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