i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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