I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
