What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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