How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
