Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
