If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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