Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How external is "for external use only"?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
