I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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