I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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