You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
