Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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