Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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