Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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